


strive for weakness

by Hierophantastic



Series: to be sublime [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: "I'm not sure what this 'kindness' is mom keeps going on about, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Azula (Avatar) Gets a Hug, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Azula parroting the not-evil parent, Azula squashes a bug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Fire Nation Royal Family, Gen, Happy Azula (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, Nonbender Azula, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Ozai and Zuko are only mentioned, Pai Sho, Sibling Rivalry, Somewhat, Ursa (Avatar) is a Good Parent, Ursa is still learning a bit when it comes to Azula, but sure I'll try it"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:49:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24649006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hierophantastic/pseuds/Hierophantastic
Summary: Azula talks with her mother in the turtle-duck garden about what a child has to do to earn their parent's love. Ursa's views on the matter are quite different from Ozai's, it turns out.
Relationships: Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Azula & the Evil Ozai Voice in Her Head
Series: to be sublime [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1782151
Comments: 17
Kudos: 271





	strive for weakness

**Author's Note:**

> There was supposed to be a nice bonding moment between Zuko and Azula in this fic, but Ursa wouldn't get on with her turn. I feel you Azula, playing a turn-based game with someone who is distracted is the worst!

For the longest time, both Azula and Zuko had their roles set out for them.

Zuko was Mother's favourite, a hotheaded but kind boy who, while jealous of Azula for always having their father's attention, never hurt his sister. He spend his time with Mother, feeding the turtle-ducks or talking about theatre. In the grand scheme of things he was insignificant, Father had once said. When he was seven he started firebending, which is more than Azula can say, but he wasn't very good at it according to his tutors. He was Mother's favourite, in Azula's mind, and not much else.

Azula, on the other hand, was born for greatness. She had expectations planted on her shoulder before she could even talk. She started learning firebending forms before she could even _bend._ She was Father's favourite, which was much better than being Mother's favourite because Father was strong. It was her the servants talked about in hushed tones, wondering what things her father was teaching her in his lessons. It was her they talked about with not only the reverence someone of her birth deserved, but also the awed fear someone of her strength deserved.

It was her who was called a monster at seven years old, after she asked Father if the maid who always forgets to properly fold her clothes could be executed. Zuko had _nothing_ except for their mother's favour. Azula had everything, ranging from their father's attention to the servant's fear.

And then it all changed, when her fire didn't come and their father realised it would never come. Now, Zuko has everything, from being the best bender (if only by a lack of competition) to Father's attention. The servant's didn't fear him yet, but Azula was sure that was a lesson Father would teach him soon enough. And Azula... 

She has less than nothing.

Pai Sho with Mother is fun, yes, but her mother insisted they move from her room to the turtle-duck garden with their games. She talks to Zuko during meals or when she 'happens' to meet him in the halls, and though she does it considerably less than before, it is still considerably more than when Azula was the one training with Father. Even the palace staff, those jumped up peasants, think she is nothing to fear anymore. 

She knows this because she overhears them, sometimes. The generals and nobles don't pay attention to her these days, so the girl has taken to using the secret passages and hollow walls more often than not. It makes her feel less like a ghost in her own home if the reason they don't see her is because she's actively hiding, instead of simply being not worth their attention. A child-princess, who's only fifth-in-line for the throne and not even a bender.

 _Why would they look twice?_ she wonders. _What do I have to offer?_

So she hides. And when no one is around, gossip makes its rounds. "Poor girl," the maids would say when they think themselves alone. "That a father could do that to their own daughter, a child no less!"

Those statements tend to make Azula freeze. The answers differ, but they share a theme that makes her want to run out there and say they're being ridiculous. "I'm glad Prince Ozai is not the Crown Prince," they'd whisper. "I really wouldn't want someone who would abuse their own child like that on the throne." 

It's not that Azula isn't _glad_ Father doesn't punish her anymore, but he must have had a reason, right? If he had known she couldn't bend from the beginning he wouldn't have punished her for failing. It's not something she likes to think about. Where eavesdropping on unsuspecting servants used to be one of her favourite pastimes, these days it just leaves her with either her stomach churning in doubt or a red hot rage.

The rage comes from an often expressed sentiment that can be summarised in one sentence, said in a slightly pitying tone.

"I can't believe I used to be scared of her," Azula hears the servants confide in each other, and the meaning echoes in her head expressed in dozens of different ways. _You poor girl. You helpless victim. You're_ not capable _of making anyone afraid._

Father doesn't care for her anymore. Zuko talks to her even less now, because he's always busy and apparently doesn't even have the time to let her tease him anymore. The nobles who used to make half-serious jokes about how she'd make a great Fire Lord to her father don't see her anymore. The servants think of her as something to be _pitied,_ instead of respected. And finally, it's not that she thinks Mother doesn't care about her, but she's learned Mother cares about _everything_.

Everything, including the tipped over turtle-beetle that had decided to trip on their board. Azula had been prepared to just flatten it under her dragon-tile instead of bothering to move it, but it was Mother's turn and of course she just _had_ to help it. The younger Princess glares as the insect miraculously manages to flinch away from Mother's gentle fingers without righting itself, and sighs harshly.

"Just flick it away so we can continue already," Azula demands, irritated. Mother shoots her a small smile which does absolutely nothing to placate her.

"There is nothing wrong with showing a little kindness now and then, Azula. Your brother seems to understand that." Azula's lips curl up in a sneer at those words. 

"Yes, I'm well aware of how _fantastic_ my brother is, but I am not _him!"_ With her thumb and index finger, she picks up the insect that disrupted their game and tosses it away. She must have used a little too much strength, because now her fingers are coated in insect guts. She shoots it a disgusted look and wipes them clean on the grass.

When she looks back at the board Mother still hasn't made her move, so she mentally prepares herself for Mother's disappointment and raises her eyes. Where once her father would have reassured her and stated that Ursa does not understand true strength, Azula now finds herself with the odd sensation of what she vaguely recognises as shame and guilt squirming in her stomach. _Because you squashed an insect while mommy was watching? You're pathetic._

But Mother isn't disappointed. Her brows are furrowed in concern, warm brown eyes watching Azula without judgement. Azula meets her gaze with a small smile on her lips. They work better than smirks with Mother, which is something she has known for a long time. Yet her mother isn't fooled by the way she wiped all traces of her earlier frustration from her features, and leans closer.

"Are you all right, Azula? Is something wrong?"

"No, I am perfectly fine. Aside from the fact that I'm still waiting for you to make a move, that is." Mother frowns at her quick dismissal, and Azula can already tell she's not just going to let it go.

"You do know you can tell me if something is wrong, right?"

"Yes, Mother," Azula sighs. "I was just a little annoyed that that bug wouldn't leave. I promise I'm fine." Her mother still doesn't look as if she believes her, but at least her hand moves towards the board. Azula thinks furiously as Mother picks up a jade-tile, and wonders how to best counter it. Then the hand stills again and Azula has to stop herself from letting out a sigh of frustration. 

"Azula..." Mother begins, a little hesitant.

"Yes, Mother?" Azula says, eyes closed.

"...Are you jealous of Zuko?"

"I am _not_ jealous of _Zuko!"_ Azula snaps back before she thinks about it. Mother merely raises a questioning eyebrow, to which her daughter responds by huffing and looking away. Mother doesn't say anything and neither does Azula for a time, letting the silence continue until she can't take it anymore. "I just- I don't _understand,_ " she finally admits almost against her will, briefly showing her insecurities before locking them back up again. Mother misunderstands her meaning, sadly.

"Bending is a gift from the spirits. There's no rhyme nor rea-"

"Not that," the Princess interrupts her mother. "I know that. I just don't understand why you love Zuko more than _me."_ Her mother looks shocked. It seems as if she wants to say something, but Azula is definitely not letting her talk about why exactly she loves Zuko more now. Her voice is calm and distant when she speaks again, as if she's discussing the weather. "I mean, I never thought about it before- before, because I had Father back then. Father cared about power, which he thought I had-"

"Azula-" her mother interrupts, but Azula doesn't stop.

"-but then it turned out Zuko was the only firebender and he became Father's favourite-"

"Azula, I don't-" Mother straightens up, regret on her face for some reason. Azula leans back and faces the sky.

"-but even now you talk to _him_ more than you talked to _me_ when I was Father's favourite, and I'm fine with it, really, just-"

A hand grabs her shoulder and pulls her forward into her mother's embrace, and once again Azula feels her facade of calm slipping. The words she might have said die in her mouth and her arms hang limply at her sides. "Azula, will you just listen for a moment?" her mother asks her. Azula nods wordlessly into her mother's shoulder. "I don't love Zuko more than you, and I'm sorry if I ever made you think that."

"But you still spent so much of your time with him. Why? It's not power you care about, or knowledge or strength, and I just-" Memories flicker through her mind. Her father, reprimanding her for slipping up during the sixth step of an advanced form. Her mother, complimenting her hair as she combs it. Her father, smiling as she succeeds in completing a new form nearly flawlessly on the first try. Her mother, smiling proudly as Azula demonstrates a new firebending form, regardless of the lack of fire.

She is so very different from Father.

"I just don't know what you want from me," the girl murmurs into her mother's shoulder.

"Oh, Azula," Mother sighs. "You're my daughter. I don't want anything from you, except for you to be happy. And as for how much I talk to Zuko..." Mother pulls back so she could look Azula in the eye. "He is my son and I love him, just as I love you."

"You talk to him a lot more, though," the Princess grumbles, trying not to sound too childish.

"You weren't always eager to talk to me. And Ozai... disapproved of my interacting with you." Here, Mother's features twist into something colder than anything Azula has ever seen on the gentle woman's face. It looks more like an expression Father might wear. The girl shifts uncomfortably on her blanket. Her mother must pick up on it, because her face softens again after she glances at her daughter. "Just know that I always have loved you and always will. No matter what."

Then she turns back to the game. Briefly, she inspects the board and corrects the few tiles that had been displaced, before she finally - _finally -_ makes her move.

Azula tries to turn her thoughts back to the game, but as the next few turns pass in silence she finds herself distracted. "Is there really nothing I can do that would make you happy?" Azula finally asks. It makes her uncomfortable, this unconditional love. It doesn't feel real, which makes sense, because while Father had told her repeatedly that she was born for power and greatness he had never once said anything about _love._

Mother smiles at her once more, and really, she seems to be able to say a dozen different things with a dozen different smiles. This one is still warm and loving, but there is also a hint of pride in the way the corners of her lip curl that makes Azula feel as if she did something very right and has her almost puffing up her chest. She's never gotten that feeling just because of some words. "When I was young, I always liked to think my children would be kind and decent people. So just show a little kindness, if possible," her mother finally offers.

Her good mood dissipates and Azula bites her lip in silent worry, then quickly stops doing so, instead putting her own smile back on her face. Still. She doesn't want Mother as well to think her daughter can give her something she doesn't have, only to drop her when she finds out. "Father always told me kindness was a weakness. I'm not sure I know how to do that."

"You'll learn," Mother says. "It's not that difficult."

Azula doubts she agrees with that assessment, but then again, difficulty has never been a deterrent for her and she won't let it be now.

**\----**

Mother does not give her lessons in kindness. She doesn't give her specific lines, like her tutors in etiquette do, or specific actions she should follow. And yet, here Azula is now, her clothes soaked, the floor filled with glass shards, and a servant girl who doesn't look much older than Zuko apologising profusely to her. Despite the lack of instruction, Azula is fairly certain this is an opportunity to be kind. 

"I- I'm sorry, your Highness. I lost my grip and- I'm so sorry!"

The girl looks as if she's near to bursting out in tears. _She must be new,_ Azula thinks, taking in her distraught features. "If you're so sorry," she drawls, "then why don't you get a broom and a towel to clean this mess up."

"Right, right," the girl says, and hurries off somewhere. Azula can only hope there's a storage room nearby. She doesn't want to wait to long, but neither does she want to take a walk through the glass shards. The footwear she's wearing are more socks than actual shoes, so thin is the material, it would give absolutely no protection from the sharp edges. At least her robe stopped any flying shards from getting to her skin. When she hears hurried footsteps come her way after a few minutes, she idly thinks about how easy it would be to pick up one of the larger shards and teach the stupid girl _why_ people don't drop vases filled with water near Fire Princess Azula.

_People wouldn't talk about me with pity after that. What better way to prove your strength?_

But when the servant girl returns, it's not just with a blanket and broom but a pair of wooden sandals as well. "Here you go, your Highness," the girl says as she offers her both the towel and the pair of sandals, shuffling her own feet over the floor to reach her. "So you don't have to wait for me to clean up before you can leave."

Azula blinks once, glances at the girl, then takes the sandals. Instead of taking of her own shoes she simply ties the wrap over them, balancing on one leg without difficulty. Out of the corner of her eyes she sees the servant pull her hand back, which she had offered to help her keep her balance. With the sandals on she walks away easily and after four steps she doesn't hear any glass crunch under her feet anymore, which is when she starts to dry her clothes with the towel. 

Then she glances back. The girl has started sweeping, her feet barely lifting from the floor and it takes Azula a moment to realise why. She's trying not to accidentally step on any shards.

"Weren't there two pairs available?" Azula asks. The girl startles and looks at her, then bows her head in deference.

"E- excuse me, your Highness?" she stutters. Azula rolls her eyes.

"The sandals," she clarifies. Weren't there two pairs available? It seems like you could use one as well."

"I could only find one pair and I didn't want to leave you here for too long, your Highness." Azula tilts her head and peers at the girl.

"I see," she finally says. And then, "Thank you."

The girl's head shoots up, eyes comically wide in surprise, before she bows, fully this time. "Er, you are welcome, your Highness, but there is no need, really, it's an honour to work here-"

 _And here I thought it couldn't get worse than Ty Lee realising she was talking to an actual princess for the first time._ Azula frowns, both at the sudden thought of a girl she hadn't seen in months and the dull pang in her chest that accompanied it, and pulls herself back to the present.

"Yes, yes, I'm sure it's an honour. Come over here, you can have these. I think it'll make things easier." Azula gestures for the girl to come closer and she shuffles over to the Princess. After taking the sandals from her feet she hands them over with a gracious smile. The servant girl blushes with her eyes still wide as if she's not sure this is happening. 

"Thank you," the girl manages, and Azula wonders why she never really interacted with any of the servants before. What's the point of being royalty if you don't let people know you are? 

"You're welcome," Azula says graciously before leaving, completely forgetting about her earlier blood lust.

A few days later, when she finds herself once again lurking in the secret passages, she will overhear an extremely overexcited servant talk about the young Princess' kindness and she will think that _maybe_ Mother was right when she said it wasn't that difficult.

**Author's Note:**

> Azula, after giving up a pair of old sandals that don't even belong to her to the person who had brought them to her in the first place: "I'm a generous god."
> 
> The servant in question: 'OHMYAGNI It's Ozai's daughter she's going to murder me with a pair of sandals!'


End file.
